Friday, July 29, 2005

Maybe it was the heat that made them do it

It’s been crazy hot here the last two weeks and we have been seriously appreciating the fact that we have central air. When we looked at the house and saw that I was like – Oh, that’s nice, but you really never run it for more then a week. My Noland however was totally stoked and I do believe that was one of the major selling points for him (for you none Northwesterners – our average summer temp is nice 79 and practically no humidity – no one has central air) how smart he is!

So being that we have central air and no where else does, weeknight evenings have pretty much been a series of go have some happy hour drinks somewhere and then head home to chill in the chill air. Being that we’ve had some drinks, our minds are not in the mood for any serious reading or movies that make you think. Being that it’s hotter then it should be in Portland, our bodies are not in the mood to do anything involving activity. So mindless television it is. Being that it’s summer, there’s not much on – although I will admit to having been sucked into Rock Star: INXS – but with a dozen variations on each and half a dozen channels that show them - there is always an endless stream of CSI and Law & Order reruns on. So I’ve been watching a lot of that crap lately. And I just started to notice a mildly amusing trend. If there is a kid involved anywhere in the plot – they’re the one who did it.

Two little girls murder a crazy old cat lady ‘cause she won’t give them a cat.
A little boy murders his neighbor, just ‘cause he’s nuts.
A little boy murders his brother because he told the kids at school that he wet the bed.
A group of kids murder another kid to steal his money.
A teenage girl murders her friend so that she can get her spot on the gymnastics team.

So what’s up with the writers of these shows? Do they think it has shock value? That the audience won’t suspect an innocent little kid and then they get to reveal “the big twist?” Watched ‘Children of the Corn’ one to many times? Maybe they just think kids are inherently evil?

And why isn’t there any outrage from the FCC or PRC or FTC or any of those other censorship happy groups? Don’t they realize that children will watch these programs and be inspired to kill their siblings after they take the last piece of cake? It will happen. You can count on it. And these…these shows will be to blame….. won’t someone please look out for the children?!?!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Back to Camp

I don't know why Gretchen got a button for being punctual and I didn't. I mean really. Not that I am super punctual - but she's even worse - and besides, we did everything together...if she was there, I was there. I didn't really care in the fact of getting the award - but it pissed me off if they were trying to send me some sort of subliminal signal that they didn't want me there, or other crap like that.

SO I went over to Miss Kitty, Boo and Spike who were near the jetway getting ready to herd everyone back onto the plane and told them how upset I was in a super-fake over exagerrated way so that they knew that I didn't care but was very aware of what they were trying to pull. Everyone got a good laugh and then I went to Boo (since she's the one least likely to give out any bullshit.) and in my most professional super serious manner said, "But seriously, why did that happen?" They all kind of look at each other with that 'oh crap, I think we're really going to have to tell her what's going on' look and Boo asks me to follow her.

She head off through a field and to this gazebo up on the hill - I start to follow and the ground is really mushy and my foot starts to sink in. I try to veer off closer to the sidewalk hoping the ground is more solid there, but it just keeps getting worse and pretty soon I'm knee deep in this marsh land. Boo looks down from the gazebo wondering where the heck I've gone and looks down to see me just as I sink lower and lower until I'm about to my waist and I've lost my shoe. It doesn't help of course that I have this long dress on so it's getting weighed down in all the mud and makes it harder for me to struggle.

I manage to get my elbows firmly planted and basically drag my self backwards until I can reach the sidewalk with my hands and pull myself out of the muck and mire. Disgusting!

Boo comes over and doesn't seem to even care that I just about went under in this quicksand like swampland that is apparently surrounding the camp - but she tells me that in essence the reason that Gretchen got the pin and I didn't is that at dinner the night before they didn't intend for everyone to have drinks but people kept ordering them, so they gave awards to those that didn't. Lame indeed! But I really don't care - what I'm concerned about now is that my clothes are completely covered with mud and the plane is about to leave and I don't have my suitcases - they're sitting back in the terminal still. The cab driver is pretty cool about it - he takes me back to the airport and even manages to get me in the exit door which is much closer then the entrance, but by the time I get there - the next round bags have all arrived as well and I can't find mine in the piles and piles of other bags.

I have to head out without and get back to the plane just before it was taking off. When we get back to the camp I am so in need of some serious drugs. Noland has promised to mix up some special mari-juana cocktails later for the boys and I make him promise me that I can have one too.

Now all I have to worry about is new clothes - luckily we were on a two-day shopping trip and although I'd already been to that store, I hadn't bought much cause they didn't have anything great, but I figured I could at least make due until I found my luggage. Of course as we get there, they were in the process of turning the women's department into a seasonal area and all that was left were swimsuits and plastic pools.

I'm just gonna go back to my bunk and take a nap.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Quiet...the baby is sleeping...HA!

So a woman walks into Starbucks pushing a huge baby stroller in which lies her sleeping spawn. The baristas are busy doing their jobs, grinding coffee and sweeping up, the woman asks them to please stop - her baby is sleeping. There is another customer enjoying his caffienated beverage whose jaw drops at such a request. A couple enters shortly after - the woman has received her beverage but it's not to her liking so she sends it back to the helpful baristas. Grudgingly she moves her powder blue track suit, pearls and giant stroller out of the way of the couple trying to order - missing the sandaled toes of the female by centimeters.

The woman gets her new coffee, asks the other patron to hold the door for her so she can remove herself from the building. Once the bells chimes to signal her departure the patron starts chuckling and tells the baristas they can start doing their jobs again. One barista comments that she was sad she didn't get to start the couples frappachinos before the woman left - as the frap machines are quite loud. The patron relays the beginning of the story to the couple who are equally amused and befuddled that someone would have the nerve to do such a thing.

She was so concerned about the spawn's sleeping patterns that she had to ask people to stop doing their jobs, yet not concerned enough to miss her daily latte.


Friday, July 01, 2005

Little cabin in the woods...

Noland’s sister has this huge house out in the woods….during the winter it’s just the family that stays there, but in the summertime the place is basically opened up into a bed and breakfast sort of joint. The basement has a bunch of rooms that are rented out, there are some little cabins on the property that are used and everyone shares common areas in the main part of the house. Except that the people that seem to be staying there right now are complete morons. Noland would like to look at them and scoff……“city folk” and their foolish ways – but I’m “city folk” and I know better.

I’d prefer to mock them for simply not being Oregonians. I’ve lived here for more than 7 years now – and they are all full-fledged adult years, so they count for more….I lived in Topeka for 10 years, but that was all before the age of 18, and in Des Moines for 9, but that includes 4 years of college – so I now consider myself an Oregonian…and we would never do what these people were doing.

One family decided that the stairs to the deck outside would be the perfect place to cook their dinner. So they’ve got a cook stove on the stairs, and piles of meat and vegetables and sauce and spices everywhere. Someone trying to go down those stairs could fall and kill themselves…..

…break the fluorescent lighting tubes that they were trying to steal…

… “rendezvous” in the playroom…

…dress up like girl scouts and chase bears…

…rummage through financial records in the basement…

…skinny dip in the communal hot tub…

…sheesh people…