Never again a 7 year hiatus

Whoops- found this in drafts from back on July 2nd - never posted:

From when I discovered the Indigo Girls in about 1989 until I moved to Portland in 1998 - I saw them in concert probably 8 or 9 times. They came through Des Moines, or Ames, Lawrence or KC about once a year and we were always there. Steve and I saw them the first year that we lived here at Lilith Fair in PGE Park before they renovated it. And then - dry spell. None of my friends here were big fans - last summer I even had tickets to the show at the Veneta Vineyards outside Eugene, and ended up selling them on Craigslist because no one I knew here wanted to go and the airlines were being huge buggers and it was going to cost SSSS an arm and leg to try to come out for the weekend from Des Moines.

Last night - Kelly and Mark and I loaded up on some Bud (yes - really - it was all they had that wasn't dark and it was to hot to drink dark beer) MAX'd it out to the zoo - where you can then buy a bottle of wine (I can't imagine any other show I've been to in practically the past decade where they would voluntarily arm the crowd with big glass bottles) for pretty cheap and chilled on the lawn of the zoo ampitheatre until Amy and Emily hit the stage.

They started off with their biggest hit and then into the very appopriate for this time in the world "Shame on You" and we decided we couldn't contain ourselves at the back of the crowd and moved right down the very front amongst all the others who couldn't just sit and watch but had to dance and sing along. They played a great mixture of old songs from lots of different albums, stuff off of their soon to be released new album - there was a new song that Emily did that was just fantastic. They moved the soon-to-be-bride to tears with "The Power of Two" and when they played "Hammer and Nail" I had to call Anita and just hold the phone up. After more than two hours of just two amazing women and their guitars on stage they took a quick break and came back for a few song encore - closing the show with "Galileo"

We headed out back to the Max station where we jammed way more people that is probably legal onto the trains and headed back downtown. Everyone on the train was laughing and smiling and talking to strangers - I've never seen people so smashed into one place that were still having such fun. As one girl commented - everyone should be required to listen to the Indigo Girls before they get on Max and the world would be a better place.

Never again do I go 7 years between shows.

It’s gonna be a boozy weekend

Of course the main event being Ms. Kelly’s bachelorette festivities this evening…and the pre-requisite hangover brunch tomorrow morning to amuse ourselves with drunken stories of the night before and check out all the pics of the great things we’re going to make her do.

I’m actually quite excited – the only other bachelorette party I’ve been to was my own – we all had a fabulous drunken time and I was SO happy that the ‘kung fu girls’ threw it for me since I’d only known them a short time – and we didn’t do any of the cheesy things that you hear about (thankfully!) But I never really went through that period in my 20’s like so many others seem to have where there is a summer or two where all of their friends suddenly get married and it’s one party after another. None of my college friends – or even high school friends that I kept in touch with – got married until they were into their 30’s – or are not married – so by the time any of us did we were scattered across the country – I attended the weddings when I could, but didn’t do any bachelorette type parties. And most of my friends here of the marrying sort either were already married when I met them, got married so soon after I met them – like Violet and Laurie – that I wasn’t involved in that sort of thing. Or do a Sandy and AJ and call on Tues and say “hey we’re getting married Friday at the courthouse – wanna come?”

So at the age of 35 this is the first friend of mine that is getting married locally where I get to hear about the plans and be involved in some things like tonight – it’s pretty cool just to be able to celebrate with friends that way.

And then to follow that up, tomorrow is a tropical themed bbq for Ann’s birthday where her hubby has coordinated that for a total of 7 of us this is the booze menu he has planned – plus beer:

• 750ml Tequila, Limes, Margarita mix,
• 750ml Light Rum, Grenadine, Pineapple Juice
• 750ml Vodka, Guava Juice, Ginger Ale, Orange Juice
• 750ml Malibu Rum, Triple Sec, Cranberry Juice
• 750ml Dark Rum, Amaretto, Coconut Cream

Whew….

Lifetime Summer Vacation

So there are 14 weekend in the summer (real summer - Memorial Day to Labor Day - I know school doesn't get out until mid-June but we don't have kids so we don't care and I know that 'officially' summer doesn't start until tomorrow - but it also doesn't think winter starts until Dec 21st and while it may not get cold around here - I spent enough snowy Thanksgivings (and even a Halloween or two) to know that's not very realistic!)

So there are 14 weekends in summer:
1. Starlight Parade/Misfats at Ash Street/Ian's B-day
2. Festival of Bands/Grand Floral Parade/Misfats on the East Coast
3. whew...drinking and relaxing....
4. Bachelor/Bachelorette weekend/Noland in CA
5. Indigo Girls/July 4th Fest
6. Camping?/Canada Party?
7. International Beer Fest/Noland's mom
8. bridal shower
9. M& K WEDDING!!/Brewfest
10. Wedding #2 T&W
11. Camping or M&K's sausage fest
12. Camping or M&K's sausage fest (I don't remember which weekend we said for which...)
13. back to the Midwest
14. Labor Day fest

Whew!
I love summer - especially in Oregon where it's sunny and not to hot most days - but man, are we going to be exhausted when it's over. Happy - 'cause that is a lot of fun packed into one strech of weekends (and who knows what develops over the weekdays - patio beers a plenty though I'm sure!)

But really - doesn't this alone make a pretty good argument as to why adults, not kids, need a summer vacation? I mean really - what are they gonna do all summer long but drag their parents to endless swim lessons, baseballs games and cries of "mom - I'm booooreeed.."

I say we start a movement for permanent summer vacation.

Don't Mess with the Olive Garden

I’ve refrained from ranting about a co-worker here, because it is after-all a small world…and a small office….but I just can’t help it today. Today is neither the unadulterated bigotry, the close-mindedness, nor the constant need for “one-upsmanship.” Because those make me genuinely angry and I would say way more than I should.

No – today it makes me laugh. This co-worker had to storm out of the office ahead of those that were all going to lunch together because I had the gall to say that I don’t like the Olive Garden and women wearing ties. Ok – and some of it may have harkened back to yesterday when I said that Walt Disney was a fascist. Magic Mountain is her favorite place in the world – so I think that hurt a bit.

But seriously – a group of people from work often go to lunch together on Friday. I often go as well. Today they asked if I wanted to – I hadn’t planned on taking a lunch today, so I was only going to go if it was someplace that sounded really good. The Olive Garden would not qualify, so I said no thanks. Honestly – that’s all I said. I know some of you reading this may find it hard to believe – but I did not provoke this at all! Her response was that “Jenn doesn’t want to go because it’s corporate, they’re all Nazi’s, and they’re all fascists….” I thought that was funny – so after each statement I called out a resounding “yeah!” Another co-worker thought it amusing too – she said she used to work there and that she could tell us what not to eat – and that included soup because the waiter’s ties were always dipping into them and no-one ever washed them. That led us into a brief dress code discussion – which I of course am quite opinionated on – and that included that fact that I hate ties and that women should never wear them…. apparently she likes ties – she chimed in and said so, I dared to say I disagreed – that they way they lay over the boobs just isn’t attractive…and for God knows why, that just put her over the edge and she stormed away – leaving behind the others that were going with her…..

Seriously.

I like to argue. (I know - surprise) But I also will gladly acknowledge when I'm arguing with someone - trying to pick on their weakness, push a few buttons, and I'll admit I enjoy doing that with this particular person... there are so many buttons to push. But this was just a conversation about lunch. Wow.

So yesterday I posted about coming across as older or younger than you actually are – and I often don’t mind that people assume I’m a bit younger than I am – but at least the way I act doesn’t make them think that I’m 12.

Pondering the ages

I seem to have gotten engaged in a number of conversations lately regarding age – people who do or don’t look their age – act their age, etc. While I’m not a big worrier about getting older – it does inspire me a bit.

I was only 25 when one of my good friends in DSM was turning 30, and freaking out about it. I didn’t understand why and her comment was ‘just wait 5 years and you’ll understand’ Well – 5 years later I turned 30 with one of the biggest and best birthday celebrations ever – and lovin’ every minute. It was at that age of 30 that I then met my wonderful husband – to me turning 30 was fantastic.

Now at 35 I have friends starting to turn 40 – some are doing ok with it, others are freaking out a bit…and I still don’t understand. I know that they’re probably thinking – just you wait – but honestly it doesn’t bother me now and I don’t think it will then. But I think it has more to do with the way that we live our lives.

A gal that I do flags with in the OMTAAMB told us last year that she was getting ready to go to her 40^th class reunion. We just about fell off the bleachers – there’s no way she was a day over 45 let alone nearly 60 – but sure enough. This same woman points out to me that another flag members mom who always comes to watch is the same age – 60 – as she is. Again – falling off the bleachers – only 60? I would have put her closer to 80. So they’re both 60, but Nancy looks in her 40s and this other woman in her 80s.

Not to that same extreme, but it’s interesting to look at your family and how old they seem. My Newman side grandparents seemed old for as long as I can remember. Much older than the Amble side grandparents. But the Newmans were retired as far back as I can remember, grandma baked and canned and quilted and all those “grandmotherly” things, grandpa was a bit crotchety and cranky the way old men are. They talked about ‘darkies’ and the days when children respected adults.

My Amble grandparents had a cabin in the woods where we rode motorcycles and went out in the boat. We always had to say please and thank you, but grandpa loved to buy the latest and greatest new gadgets and anything modern.

I can see the same sort of different in my parents and Noland’s. And maybe it’s just a skewed perspective because it’s hard to see your own parents getting old – he may think just the opposite – but I never knew his parents when they were younger. I do think that if I were to meet the two independently I would assume that his folks were at least 10-15 years older than mine. Just in their mannerisms, the things that they believe in….his parents have been retired for as long as I’ve known them – my dad just retired and my mom is still working. A Saturday afternoon could find his mom baking, quilting or canning. It could find my mom at lunch having margaritas with her girlfriends.

But to give them both credit – they are all close to the same age as the two women at flags – and neither of our sets of parents seem as young as Nancy – nor as old as the other woman.

I don’t know that there is a point behind all of this rambling – but just an interesting perspective I guess.

One more personal freedom down the toilet

Wow – as if trying to prevent the use of condoms, blocking the sale of the ‘day after’ pill, removing sex education from schools, pushing abstinence as the only option and trying to destroy every last remnant of our freedom of choice if you are pregnant - wasn’t bad enough – the government has now decided that all women from age 12 (or whenever their first period starts) until 60 (or whenever menopause occurs) should behave as if we’re trying to become pregnant at all times.

Of course I guess the odds of that are more likely with all the rules they’ve put into place restricting our ability to prevent pregnancy in the first place.

New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon.

Among other things, this means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control. The report also recommends that women discuss with their doctor the danger alcohol poses to a developing fetus.

Women should also make sure all vaccinations are up-to-date and avoid contact with lead-based paints and cat feces, Biermann said.

Obviously most of these items fall under general health care anyhow, it’s healthier if you don’t smoke, maintain a healthy weight, etc. but really – we can’t even change the kitty liter box anymore?? (of course I’m sure there are millions of teenage girls jumping for joy over that one.)

And the bigger question is - how far is between “New federal guidelines ask” and “New federal guidelines require”?

The fact that they’re already trying to do so….and subversively slip it into our regular medical care indicates it’s not far off.

Experts acknowledge that women with no plans to get pregnant in the near future may resist preconception care. "We know that women -- unless you're actively planning [a pregnancy], . . . she doesn't want to talk about it," Biermann said. So clinicians must find a "way to do this and not scare women," by promoting preconception care as part of standard women's health care, she said.

Sure, it would take a lot for it to become some sort of ‘punishable by law’ offense for a women to smoke, drink and not take vitamins – but it wouldn’t take a whole lot under the current administration for them to withhold or reduce our insurance benefits if we weren’t following these “recommendations.” Insurance is higher for those who smoke. This could easily be a first step to raising premiums or reducing coverage for those who don’t follow the guidelines.

Which then, if a women did choose to become pregnant, or does so accidentally – and the child had some sort of health issue, the insurance company then restricts or reduces coverage on that child because the mother didn’t follow the ‘pre-pregnancy recommendations’ even if she stops smoking, drinking, etc. once she knew she was pregnant.

I know – I sound awfully conspiracy theory here – but seriously – it’s these small things that slide in when no one is looking that come back to bite us in the ass down the line. Wait and see – if we don’t stop the government from trying to tell us what we can and cannot do with our own bodies this is going to become a huge ass-biter in another decade or less.

I'm like Noland going all Link-y

So to start it off...my husband totally needs to try for this with his brand new bacon-band...

What I like best about this is that the "related items" on the side bar include categories such as: "signs of doom" and "worst practices"

I normally agree with the emails I get from MoveOn.org, but this one I had to delete without signing. Now don't get me wrong - don't hate the chilluns - I just don't think the world revolves around them - and I do think that families with kids get a lot of benefits the childless families do not. I have/had several co-workers who were allowed to work from home a couple days of the week because they have a baby at home and don't want/can't pay for sitting. I think that's great for them - it's a wonderful option and I don't begrudge them that. However if I asked to work from how 2-3 days a week because it fit my lifestyle better. That would not be an option. ANd that's what this little organization is proposing.

Look specifically at Letter 'M' and 'O' - PAID leave for both parents? Leave, yes. Paid no. Or if they want paid leave for having a kid - I get the same time when I get a new dog, or house, or pair of shoes. We were discussing this at the Moon & Sixpence over lovely beers last night and decided that if the average numbers of children in a family is 3 and they get say 30 days PAID leave when a child is born - I get 3 - 30 day chunks of time that I can take as well. Say as often as every 9 months.

And then the 'O' Again - I think flex hours are great - but they need to be offered to ALL employees, not just parents. If you can decide to work a half day to go to a school play, teacher conference or such - I can do the same to go to a beer festival or sleep in the morning after a late night.

We just want you to play fair.

When Beer Movies Go Bad

It was just supposed to be a simple night out with the girls. Kelly and some other chics and I were headed to the latest Cameron Diaz flick. Not normally my style of movie - I just don't do the chic-flick well - they irritate me - but I'm all about hanging with the girls. Besides, we decided to be a little naughty and turn it into our ouwn beer movie even though it wasn't officially one.

The only problem was, the girls, in all their typical flirtatiousness, managed to draw a large amount of attention to our little group by the theater manager...who then proceded to notice the beer bottle sticking out of my jacket pocket (why didn't I carry a large purse...I don't know.)

So the manager takes me back to the office, I give them my beer and act all apologetic, "yes, you're right, I shouldn't have done that it was wrong, blah blah blah......" I figure that's it and I can go back and watch the movie now. That would have been nice.

Apparently the movie theater manager decided that I had a problem and it was time for an intervention. Soon there is a whole staff of people in this conference room talking to me about how wrong it is to do something like this and that it's the first step to a very sad and pathetic life. That what if I was applying for a job and it came back to the potential employeer that I had done this? Soon I'm thinking - so they not realize that I am allowed to have a beer - that I am old enough?

There is a small video screen in the office that we're in that's projecting the movie - it's starting and I don't want to miss the beginning so I'm watching that not really listening to them anymore at all.

Because what I really need in my life is to be lectured by a stranger who is holding the same job that my friends did in high school.

Dream-vertising?

I'm a big fan of cool dreams and cool marketing and advertising (yeah yeah I know - marketing people suck....) but all I can say it this had better be an April Fools joke.

Family Ties...

Well the trip back to Minnesota for my grandpa's funeral was, all things considered, a good one. Grandpa had lived a long good life, and while it wasn't surprising that he passed away it was still sad as everyone had such wonderful memories of him. That of course was the part of the really good aspect of this trip. I was able to get to Bemidji a day early and therefore got to spend time at Suzie and Mike's house with just my parents - going through pictures with my mom to put up at the funeral home and the church for the services. There were pictures spanning the years from present day and dating back from the beginning of grandma and grandpa's marriage in 1940....as well as diaries that they both kept during those early years. Those were great for everyone to look through reading grandpa's entries about 'secret smooching on the porch' and grandma's wondrous feelings of "could I really be in love?" Along with reminiscing through the pictures - laughing at our parent's crazy clothes and hairstyles of the 60's and 70s - as well as our own of the 80's (my high school graduation hair was frighteningly large I must say) it was good family time and something grandpa would have been pleased to see. And since that's something I don't do often at all being that I live nowhere near any of my family, it was good.

I was especially glad to be back there for my mom - she lost her mom when she was about my age actually, and this was really tough for her. She's felt bad the past few years as grandpa has gotten worse that she wasn't able to be around all the time, so I was glad both my brothers and I were all able to be up there with her and dad.

That being said, in another way it was kind of a strange trip.

While they are family - there is that strange bond that only family has - I haven't seen some of my cousins in probably more than a dozen years if not more - and those I had seen more recently were just from that trip back there last spring - when that had been the first time in more than dozens of years. So despite the fact that the last time I spoke with them we were all still in school and now we're all married/divorced/parents/moved away or what have you - we were still able to talk and joke and enjoy the time. Admittedly some of them still live there, so they're all quite close and have been all their lives, but a couple have moved away as well as all of us Newman kids of course. But despite that familial closeness - there was just this weird sense of

One cousin's family is headed to Texas on vacation - why anyone would go to Texas for ANY reason, let alone vacation is beyond me....

One cousin and spouse headed to Vegas - I thought HEY - now that's more like a vacation.... until I heard that they were going as chaperone's for a group of high school students. At least they're not little kids, but still WHY oh WHY would you ever take kids to Vegas?

Speaking of kids - I am the only one of all the cousins that does not have them. Only those who lived in Bemidji were there - and they are all really good kids...but even that small group of kids all in one place, and the way they took over everything, just reinforced that I love being Aunt Jenn

I made mention that I finally got to use my iTrip device driving up - I can't use it here because there's to much interference from other radio waves, but in Northern Minnesota it was free and open...the cousin and spouse that I mentioned this to didn't know what an iPod was....

But the biggest kicker was when someone was trying to figure out where exactly El Paso was - if it was in central Texas or farther south. I said that it was right on the border and mentioned that a friend of mine grew up there and had family that basically lived in the same metropolitan area - but he and his parents were in the US and his grandparents in Mexico...and that as a kid they just went back and forth across the river. My family member's reply to this was "well I hope they can't do that now - they should have somebody there to shoot 'em if they try."

I don't know if my jaw could have fallen farther to the ground.

Of course this wasn't the only commment along those lines - these thinly 'veiled as humor' comments on gays, abortion, immigrants, minorities, war protestors and the like that in any other context would have set me off like no tomorrow...but it was family...it was gathering for a funeral... and I was there to support my mom. The thing I was most worried about going there was that mom and I would fight and I didn't want that to happen, so I just bit my tongue and thought, no matter how much I love them...

And I did mention this blog to some of them in conversation, and I know that at least my cousin Brian and my brother James looked at it... so who knows if they, or anyone else, will again. That made me a bit aprehensive to post this - I wrote it more than a week ago before posting. But my thought is if they do read it, and they felt the same creepy, uncomfortable feeling I had when you realize some of your family is really biggoted - at least we can sympathize. Or if they read this and didn't think that those kinds comments were biggoted - maybe this will help them realize how it sounds to other people.

Either way - I held my tongue then - I don't have to now.

I Must be Psychic

No. Really.
Saturday night I had a crazy dream about living in dorms and running across this huge campus warming everyone about the tornado that was coming - I saw it destroy the science building, but no would beleive me and soon it ripped across the whole area destroying everything.

Since this is the dream that I remember - based on the way the REM sleep works and all I probably dreamt this dream around 6am based on waking at 8-ish.

So then I read about this killer tornado hitting the campus of my Big 12 Champs about 8 am CST...

I must be psychic.

Now you have to go back and read my dreams and see what else has come true!

Not too shabby...

I'll credit Cesar for finding this...a personalized map of all the US states I've been to. When I was in my mid-20's and started doing some traveling, I decided that I was going to make it a personal goal to visit all 48 continental states before the age of 30.

Moving to Portland at age 27 kind of messed with the plan as it took alot of funding as well as moved me much farther away from the parts of the country I had left...but I still don't think it's too shabby.

And now when I visit them, I get to do it with my wonderful husband!

create your own personalized map of the USA

Noland with the Wrong Shoes?

Don’t ask me why. Don’t ask me how. But apparently Noland and I are running a marathon. Or at least attempting to. We got all signed in. We got our lockers. We’re good to go.

Crap.

I’m still carrying my purse and I’m wearing Birkenstocks. I need to get back into my locker but I don’t remember the combination. I go to the office to see if they have the combo on file. There’s no one working, but the file box in on the desk so I shuffle through that until I find my name. Get the combo – head back across the campus to the locker area.

Pop the locker open – there’s all kinds of stuff in there – but no running shoes.

Crap.

They’re at home. Noland looks down and realizes that he doesn’t have running shoes either. I give him my keys and he’s going to try to get home and back with our shoes as fast as possible We think there’s still time to make it, but man we’re pushing it.

Not the way to start off for your first marathon.

I got this card for my birthday last month

I laughed so hard I almost had to pee my pants. Not that anyone who would be reading this doesn’t already know, but:

A – I am from Topeka

B – My brother is a forensic chemist for a law enforcement agency (and no his life is not nearly as glamorous as CBS would like us to think....'geeks in lab coats' would be his take on their job.)

So when Susan, my groovy friend in Iowa, found this card and sent it to me for my birthday I really did just about spit beer laughing.

Apparently the folks in my hometown do not see the humor.

And the best is that due to this quote….

"I find it offensive," Mayor Bill Bunten said Thursday. "It's probably drawn up by somebody from West Virginia who hasn't been here."

…West Virginia has now demanded a public apology from the mayor.

Maybe Kansas are just sensitive.

Several years ago I was sent this hysterical magazine article about someone born and rasied in NYC moving to Iowa - not even to Des Moines, but to Pella or Story City or something like that....they wrote about all the humor they found moving to a small rural town after being used to a metropolis.

There were some amusing observations.
Some pretty obvious about people loving the Olive Garden and driving pick up trucks.
Some were things that I, having lived in cities - but cities in rural dominated states, might not have noticed as strange or amusing until someonw else pointed them out. Then I thought - wow - that is kinda funny. I never noticed it before because I'm used to it.

So I forwarded this on to several fellow former and current Kansans and Iowans who I thought could also see to laugh at themselves. I received scathing replies from two such friends. Telling me that if I wanted to forwarded them jokes, or good luck wishes, or personal stories that was fine - but if I was going to just tell nasty mean things about our wonderful place of childhood then they would rather not hear from me.

Of course one of these messages came from someone who - when her husband was offered a temporary job in another state - in a beautiful part of the country where his company would:
- raise his salary
- pay for the move and storage of anything they didn't take with them
- pay for their housing & living expenses during the two years they wanted him there
- pay for their transportation during the two years they wanted him there
- pay for he and his family to fly back to visit their family twice a year for those two years
She did nothing but complain about how horrible it was going to be.

Whaaa.

Funny thing is - he works for Hallmark.

Retro Vegas and Animals with German Accents

The Vegas trip in December was great – but it must have really been good beside I decided to go back last night with all of my girl friends from high school. It was a pretty amazing job considering who was there and the last times that I have seen most of them before this:

· Amy was the one I thought would absolutely positively be around forever, but just a few months after a really emotional holiday together where I was so glad we could still talk like that, she stopped talking to me when I told her that Noland and I were getting married, so it’s been three years since we’ve exchanged more than a polite greeting card.
· Beth and I remained great friends spending much time together when I was home for the summers during college right until graduation – but once I moved back to Des Moines to find a real job after that graduation summer I don’t think I ever saw her again.
· Tami and I had a great time at our 10-year reunion (more than 7 years ago now) but that was the last time I’d seen her after we drifted apart sometime during our college years.
· Neither Rebecca nor Stephanie was at that reunion – there have been occasional emails or random bumping into when visiting our folks over the holidays – but we began our drifting apart process once we were off at college so the visits were few and far between.
· The other Amy was part of a grand in-fighting drama and a bit of an exile from our group just before graduating high school.
· Robin, Tanya and LaNelle were part of ‘the love bunch’ as we were known – but a bit more on the periphery – although I did enjoy catching up with Robin a bit at that reunion.

So needless to say, the 10 if us getting together in Vegas was a pretty amazing feat! The weirdest thing was that other than my Amy – I’d been to Vegas with all of them in the past at some point. Unfortunately we didn’t get to go very far or do very much. As we were standing around gathering everyone up just gabbing, someone noticed that I had weird spots on my skirt. Looked up and they were all over my shirt as well. Oh, and hey, there was blood running down the side of my head from just above my ear. And for it to have traveled all the way down my whole body like it did it had been flowing for a while – so off to the emergency room we go.

So when I wake up, I’m at home resting and the dogs are totally freaking out in the back. I get up to check on them and of course they have no water or food, so I feed them and water them and toss the ball a bit. But they are still just going nuts at something. I look around and don’t see anything, so I go back inside. A day later I go out and check things again – this time I see it – and while I didn’t see it before I know it was there. A big shiny gold birdcage with this tiny little yellow and white bird inside. I think I should get the bird some water and some food so I go back in to do so, but somehow get distracted and don’t get back out again until the next day. By the time I get over there, the bird is just laying down in the cage – it looks like it might still be breathing, so I toss in some breadcrumbs and try to figure out how to pour water into this tiny little container that seems to be the water dish – when the bird nibbles on the bread – and just pops right up. It’s asking me – not talking, but somehow I know it’s asking – for water. But I just cannot seem to get anything into that tiny dish. So I open the door of the cage to let the bird out to drink from the pitcher I’m holding – which it does.

Now this is where things get a bit sketchy. Not only does it take a drink of water. But then it proceeds to transform into a human being – and dude – he was pissed that we’d left him in the backyard with the dogs, no food and no water for so long. I think that must have been when I decided that I was out of there.

Laws are for sucks

So how do we get this sort of power at the voting booth? If George can reserve the right to ignore laws that he doesn’t like – can’t we do the same?

I voted against the extra Multnomah County income tax – shouldn’t I have the right to ignore it? When I placed my vote against paying for other people’s kids, while they get tax breaks for having them, shouldn't I have had the option to sign a little piece of paper that says I have no intention of paying even if the majority of voters agreed to it.

I voted against Measure 36 that discriminates against marriage equality. I’m sure that all those people that got married before the measure was passed, whose marriages courts now says are null and void, would have loved to sign something that says – thanks but no thanks. I’m ignoring this law.

Our fearless leader has conveniently decided that he is above the law, or that he is going to ignore what our leaders and voters have decided more than 500 times in his first 5 years…more times than all other Presidents combined.

Early President’s used the right a few times each if at all – Carter used it 24 times, Reagan 71, Bush Sr. 146 (2nd runner-up with only 4 years time) and Clinton 105 times.

More than 500 times.

Unbelievable.

I take that back. It’s totally believable.

Don't do it

If you drive a VW do not get a license plate that says "Bug"
If you drive a Jeep do not get license plate that says "Jeep"
If you drive a BMW do not get license plate that says "Beemer"
If you drive a "Blank" do not get license plate that says "blank"

Get it? Good.

'Cause if I see it again.
I might have to hurt you.

One more reason suburbs suck

When Noland and I were looking to buy a new house last spring, we had many of the usual requirements homebuyers have. Our budget of course, the minimum size and numbers of bedrooms, bathrooms, yard size, etc. Since we don’t have kids and don’t plan to the whole school thing was irrelevant – but the neighborhood was not. East side preferable and the closer in the better. We wanted Portland. We like Portland. We live in Portland for a reason. Northeast, Southeast, North – all fine. Suburban dwelling was not ever an option.

Ever.

We both however work in Beaverton – me way down off 217 by the evilest of evils – Washington Square Mall – and Noland way the hell out 26 by the empires of Intel and Nike. Both about the same distance from home, but far enough away from each other that even driving together is not a viable option. We knew that where we ended up buying we would be stuck driving a fairly lengthy commute – and that was something we were willing to do to live in the area that we wanted. Where we are now is basically at the limit of how far we would be willing to go – living much farther out then we are now and we would have had to seriously consider other options.

So that being said – I try not to complain to often about the drive. We very well could have bought something in Beaverton, probably larger and newer, for about the same price and it would take us 5 minutes to get to work. But we’d rather live where we live then where we work. So off hours – it takes about 25 minutes door to door. In commuting traffic from 4 – 6 pm it takes about 40 minutes. A bad day with slow traffic can be up to an hour.

Yesterday it took 1 hour and 39 minutes to get home.

My office is in a generic office park right off the main road that leads to the mall…..as well as a Target, Circuit City, Powell’s, etc. it’s a 3 minute drive from the parking lot to the entrance of the highway. Yesterday it took more than 20 minutes. And you can bet that every single one of those extra cars was some suburbanite headed to the mall. Crawling through downtown at 5 mph. And you can bet that every one of those extra cars were suburbanites shopping downtown who didn’t know where they were going. An hour and 15 minutes to cross the river. But once I did – once I was on the east side of town – traffic back to complete normality. Smooth sailing home.

God I hate the suburbs.

Fighting with all I've Got

On Monday, with only five days before Vegas, I start coming down with some sort of illness. And of course the Portland ITEC was this week, so instead of quiet days in my cubicle working online and drinking hot beverages - I was on show site running around, helping get stuff set-up and having to be friendly and helpful to all the Exhibitors and Attendees – while trying not to cough and sneeze on them. So every night this week I’ve come home to Noland fixing me tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, bags full of drugs and vitamins, him doing all of the stuff that needs to be done around the house, and me crawling into bed super early around 9pm…so that said and done – I believe that the bug has been mostly kicked – and we are ready to roll!

Or as Violet so eloquently stated:

WHEEL!

OF!

FORTUNE!

A Happy Family

Whew – the folks were here – we had a nice visit and now they’re gone – WHEW! As Noland noted – it’s a bit of a passive-aggressive pattern between my mother and I and if they were here for more then the 65 hours that they were here – we would have to do even more serious dinking then I’m already in need of…

Here is an example of a conversation we had on Thursday night (mind you they’d been in town a total of maybe 4 hours at this point):

Mom: so you need to put the leftovers in the refrigerator you know

Me: I will

Mom: so lets go clean up the kitchen and put those away

Me: I’ll do it later

Mom: well but won’t you feel better if you do it now, plus that needs to be refrigerated…

Me: I will do it later

Mom: Let’s go do it now. I’ll help

Me: Mom – I don’t think the enchiladas sitting on the counter for another hour will hurt. It’s not like its 90 degrees in here or there are bugs crawling around my kitchen

Mom: well, but there are all the dishes to that need to be washed

Me: Yes, and we have a dishwasher, and maybe tomorrow I’ll load them in and wash them. Dishes often sit in my kitchen for more then a day and the world doesn’t fall apart…

(We didn’t put the enchiladas away then, but about an hour later we did have to load the dishwasher – and I had to start it running to stop her from making me do the hand wash dishes right then and there)

End of the first full day - Friday night:

Mom: you know it’s time for the news.

Me: (rolling eyes) we don’t watch the news

Mom: well some of us just like to know what’s going on in the world

Me: you know you can read the news and then you don’t have to watch the same sound bites over and over again.

Mom: but then it’s at least a day old…

Dad: and besides - you don’t even get the daily paper.

Me: it’s called the Internet – and then it can be minutes old

Mom: but here we can see what’s important in the world

Me: Sure, important to the programmer trying to get ratings…I bet there will be nothing on this broadcast that I didn’t already read online today…and with more information

Mom: all media is biased, you’re not getting anymore of a correct story by reading it online, so why not just watch it here

Me: I’m not saying it isn’t biased, but because I can link from one source to another to get different perspectives on the same information I know more about the topic then what’s covered in the 30 seconds they devote to it here…

(We did watch the NBC Nightly News, but I refused to watch the local news, and that disturbed them as well, even though they don’t live here and have no idea what it would be about)

Or in a store on trendy-third Saturday afternoon as Noland and I were looking at a dining table and chairs that we liked:

Me: This is the type of table we want – its big and sturdy and solid

Mom: but just one for a lot less then that

Me: well, no not really, most that are like this are in this price range, we just need to wait a few more months to save up for it

Mom: I’m sure there are ones that are less

Me: well I’m sure a little, but this is about what it will cost

Mom: plus you can’t get that – it’s wood and you’ll set your drinks on it and ruin in

Me: yes, because we’re twelve we don’t know how to take care of things

Mom: well people will come over and they won’t use coasters and you’ll get marks on it

Me: it’s a table; you’re supposed to use it

Noland: plus I kinda like that distressed/used sort of look

Mom: well people don’t mean to, but they just don’t think and they’ll ruin and then you won’t have a nice table anymore

Me: well then yes, by all means we won’t be able to get that…

And so it goes…every conversation turns into a bit of a power play…her trying to still be the mother in charge and me fighting back like I was still 16…

I love ‘em – but man am I glad I don’t live anywhere near ‘em.

November Freaking 4th

and the radio station that plays in the bathroom at my office is already playing all holiday music all the time. It's not even freakin' Thanksgiving yet! I may need to take matters into my own hands.

Happy Halloween!

I think because I’ve been sick or fighting a cold for going on two weeks now, I’m sleeping more then ever, but really the really sound sleep of the drugged so that I don’t remember my dreams. Total bummer.

When our friend Ron in Seattle sends us the pics he took this weekend, we’ll get some posted up there – but nonetheless, it was a good Halloween weekend. My costume may not have been as fancy as some, but I put it together myself, I didn’t buy it or rent it, so it was much cooler then those, although it might not have been as good as the guy who dressed up like this guy.

Just wrong. But really funny.

And Friday night doing the annual pumpkin carving festivity at Steve & Cesar’s was great. As usual everyone’s creative spirit shone brightly – my pumpkin was a bit cannibalistic. And we got our annual chance to watch Steve (of Steve & Jackie not Steve & Cesar) get loaded, which is always amusing. But Jackie was there to keep him from trying to drive off with the candle still lit in his pumpkin in the backseat.



I love Halloween.

Bow-heads past their prime

When I was in high school and looking at colleges I had just a few requirements to start the narrowing down process.

• minimum of 3 hours from where my parents lived
• no all girls schools
• no schools with any sort of social restrictions (curfews, limited male/female access, etc.)
• oh yeah, and a decent journalism school

Then as I narrowed down and started visiting some schools I added another qualification.

• No Texas schools

Now I don't have the hatred for Texas that my Noland does, but after visiting TCU and Trinity - both of which were pretty high on my list until I set foot in the state, I realized that Texans - and Texas women in particular - were nuts.

I'm dropping in on classes with my tour guide, 8 am classes mind you, and there are these girls there - not just one or two - but EVERY FREAKIN' ONE in obviously well prepped outfits, a couple inches of makeup, pearls and the biggest hair I'd ever seen. Admittedly this was the 80's and my hair was pretty big too, but this hair was HUGE and the bows....the all had bows, Perfectly matching their sweater and socks. EVERY FREAKIN' ONE.

So that brings me to today - have ya seen George's newest nominee? This is what happens when Texas bow heads get old. You can only put on inches of makeup every day for so many years before it stops coming off and becomes part of you....

like celebrity guest week on Love Boat

John Travolta just hangin' out at our house. Dressed in the Pulp Fiction suit, but without the Grease hair - rather disturbing combination actually. Lounged back on the couch* wathing TV, he was awfuly full of unwanted advice however.

President Clinton helping out in the kitchen. Kind of nice actually, it was like on theose cooking shows when all the ingrediants were laid out in pre-measured glass bowls and Bill, Noland and I all had on matching aprons. And I don't recall any dishes when we were done!

Bob Marley opening up at Porky's - it was surpise appearance and no one was there - and no one believed us...I think the dead thing probalby had something to do with that part.

I can't wait to see who's next...

*sidebar: Our big purple couch arrives this weekend - whoo hoo - everyone is invited over to check it out!

Raise a pint - never too old...

Anita who used to be my “going to shows friend” back in KS where we'd smoke those weird super thin cigarettes, drink 3 pitchers of beer (she drank most of the 1st, we split the second and I finished up the third while she was passing out), and pick up on the "alternative boys" sent me a link to this website that has info on her, her husband and friends doing crazy things such as running marathons, competing in triathlons, doing long-distance mountain biking – all kinds of nutso stuff….

Talking with my mother over the weekend and her asking what we were up to this week, telling her about a multitude of shows coming up, karaoke last weekend and general going out with friends, she makes a comment that we never stay home, and I just tell her that my life just isn’t as boring as hers was at my age – I remember her at my age – she had three kids ages 4, 6 and 9….

Someone at work says that they’re going to the Ash Street tonight, I say “hey – so am I” but they’re not going to see the Woggles – they’re going after work and will be well under the covers by the time the show starts. Another guy mentions that he used to be into the local music scene and go to shows all the time – but could never do it now….

Noland and I have talked about the fact that we don’t even know what we would do if we were ever “too old” to go to shows. That thought just isn’t even possible. It would make us way to sad. Sure, there are some shows that we seem to be among the oldest in the crowd – but there are others where we most definitely aren’t even close. And hey – most of the bands that we’re going to see are as old or older then we are and they’re still rockin’ away on stage – the least we can do is the same!

btw...

at least three more episodes of CSI with children kiling.....

I think I'm gonna keep a running tally...

Why I love Portland

So one of my best friends forwarded me an email that she received, the note enclosed to me was kind of a “can you believe this?” message and a story about her making a joke about not being as straight as you’d think to the sales clerk selling her jeans at the GAP who didn’t find nearly as funny as she did… and how that’s her life in Midwest suburbia.

The email was one of those floating around the internet letters that someone (from Arkansas, surprise surprise) wrote to ABC in regards to their promoting the “homosexual agenda” because of an episode of The Practice that addressed the gay marriage debate and they felt that the show made the conservative person look bad for disagreeing. There was all the usual sputtering that they were going to make sure everyone knew how ABC was so evil and blah blah blah……

So she sends me this message, then follows it up with a second email saying “Please don’t forward that, it’s a small world and I still have to live in my neighborhood.” So we messaged back a forth bit, and that she has to deal with this sort of thing a lot, that people just assume because she’s a suburban mom in a very conservative state that she agrees with that sort of bullshit. She said that she even had a 5 year-old child tell her that their mom didn’t approve of her belly ring. Which of course my friend had the wonderful response, “well that’s ok, she doesn’t have to get one.”

I get a little bummed sometimes because while I have the best circle of friends here in Portland, my best friends live all across the country, and sometimes I miss those heart to heart girl talks, or singing along with the Indigo Girls in the car (Noland’s really not into that, although he will occasionally humor me.) But while I don’t have any of those close friends here, at least everyone in my circle of friends here holds the same basic set of principles and beliefs that I do. I can’t imagine anyone that I know sending something like that and thinking that I’d want to read it. We don’t of course agree on everything, and there are probably some people in that circle that think things that I would find surprising, and vice versa – but I do know that no one I call a friend would think that this sort of bigotry was something that I, or anyone I know, supports and especially promotes.

So my friends, both far and near, know that even if I don’t always say it or act like it…I do appreciate you being part of my world!

global tragedy and personal pettiness

I have no connection to the tragedy in the Gulf, I don’t know anyone who lives there, has lived there, was there, was directly affected – nothing – so I feel a bit like a local TV news station who has finally figured out a way to connect myself to the disaster no matter how thin the line.

And I’m not normally the type who gets all worked up over these things, I’m concerned of course, but I’m not one who cries over stories on TV or in the news about disasters, plane crashes, missing children, murdered wives or an of that other stuff. But for some reason this has really hit me, to the point that I was pretty unsuccessfully fighting back tears last weekend watching a slide show of images and trying to sing.

So my local news connection is that my younger brother is a forensic chemist for the KBI (that’s the Kansas Bureau of Investigation for us commoners), so basically he’s a CSI – just like on the TV show except for all the glamorous people, action packed hunting down of criminals, questioning of suspects and wrapping it all up in a matter of days. Pretty much it means he’s a geek in a lab coat who may on occasion be sent to a crime scene to collect some DNA or testify that “yes sir, that is 99.8% likely to be him,” but mostly he hangs out in a lab with blood and semen and grows pot in his office so he can track the various strains back to the right bad guys.

Well James was called down to Louisiana to help with the identification of bodies recovered from the city. He would go down and collect DNA samples from the bodies and help try to identify those that were unknown through the various scientific ways available.

My mother told me this, I barely had a moment to think that was pretty cool that he was going to be able to go down and help people, if not with something happy, at least something that might give people some closure. But she follows the sentences of “he was asked to….” with “but thank goodness he’s not going.” What she said was that he decided that it would be too tough leaving my sister-in-law and the kids at home alone for the two weeks they asked him to help out.

My brother and I are not extremely close, so I don’t know all the details of why that would be too hard, and it may have been a legitimate conclusion, but what disturbed me more was that my mother didn’t seem to hesitate in saying it was good he didn’t go. Her reasons why? It would be so hot. It would be so dirty and such tiring work. Yes, because we wouldn’t want to inconvenience ourselves just slightly for 14 days to help out people whose lives have been destroyed for who knows how long.

I then of course, had to pick a fight with my mother about politics, the weather, the best way to make toast…it’s how we work about 75% of the time, so instead of arguing with me she just keeps saying “ok” to everything that I say in that ever so condescending voice that only a mother can have. This of course just angers me even more so I make the next attack personal. I tell her that I’m sorry for trying to have an intelligent discussion, but that my friends and I don’t just discuss who was wearing what to church last week and the latest celebrity gossip but that we actually like to discuss what’s going on in the world around us.

Needless to say when she told me that they’re coming to visit in a few months… and that they’ll be staying at my house…

the downfalls (or benefits) of chocolate

I don't know that I really need to go into a detailed description of preparing for the end of the world. We've all seen it a million times on TV and in the movies, read countless stories....it was like that. I was with a group of my closest friends and family along with a dozen or more strangers who had all ended up in this same place of refuge. We were trying our best to prepare for impending danger, disaster, attack, disease, act of God or of Man...

Some were working very hard. They were building and reinforcing structures, they were gathering and preparing and storing provisions, they were organizing and planning and preparing. Others were keeping the children entertained and their minds of off the danger that the adults were trying so hard not to discuss. Trying to ignore the cries and wails and pounding on the door to the outside where those that had been caught outside tried desperately to get in, but we knew that we couldn't let them in. We wished them the best, but we were putting ourselves and everyone in our area in danger if we opened those doors, or windows or mental blocks.

And then their were the hippies having a bake sale. They really had an amazing set up going - there were more then a dozen oven in the field, powered by some downed line or unnatural source, but they were all blazing and smelled great - and they had platters upon platters of baked goods in front of them - willing to share with anyone who happened by.

Nancy, my sister-in-law, and I had gone off to find her son. He had wandered away and we needed to bring him back before it got dark. When she saw that the hippies had sugar cookies she knew that he had to have stopped there. So we stopped to ask, but they wouldn't talk to us until we shared a treat with them.

Now Nancy is not naive, but she has to some degree, led a bit of a sheltered life - plus she's a sucker for chocolate, so she grabbed a brownie and went to town without clue that they were special brownies.. I knew that the I didn't want to eat much of that brownie if I was going to be able to function after that, so I took a lemon bar that I thought would be more likely to contain fewer of those 'special' ingredients.

Thing is, I must have been wrong, 'cause I have no idea how the end of the story goes.....

Maybe it was the heat that made them do it

It’s been crazy hot here the last two weeks and we have been seriously appreciating the fact that we have central air. When we looked at the house and saw that I was like – Oh, that’s nice, but you really never run it for more then a week. My Noland however was totally stoked and I do believe that was one of the major selling points for him (for you none Northwesterners – our average summer temp is nice 79 and practically no humidity – no one has central air) how smart he is!

So being that we have central air and no where else does, weeknight evenings have pretty much been a series of go have some happy hour drinks somewhere and then head home to chill in the chill air. Being that we’ve had some drinks, our minds are not in the mood for any serious reading or movies that make you think. Being that it’s hotter then it should be in Portland, our bodies are not in the mood to do anything involving activity. So mindless television it is. Being that it’s summer, there’s not much on – although I will admit to having been sucked into Rock Star: INXS – but with a dozen variations on each and half a dozen channels that show them - there is always an endless stream of CSI and Law & Order reruns on. So I’ve been watching a lot of that crap lately. And I just started to notice a mildly amusing trend. If there is a kid involved anywhere in the plot – they’re the one who did it.

Two little girls murder a crazy old cat lady ‘cause she won’t give them a cat.
A little boy murders his neighbor, just ‘cause he’s nuts.
A little boy murders his brother because he told the kids at school that he wet the bed.
A group of kids murder another kid to steal his money.
A teenage girl murders her friend so that she can get her spot on the gymnastics team.


So what’s up with the writers of these shows? Do they think it has shock value? That the audience won’t suspect an innocent little kid and then they get to reveal “the big twist?” Watched ‘Children of the Corn’ one to many times? Maybe they just think kids are inherently evil?

And why isn’t there any outrage from the FCC or PRC or FTC or any of those other censorship happy groups? Don’t they realize that children will watch these programs and be inspired to kill their siblings after they take the last piece of cake? It will happen. You can count on it. And these…these shows will be to blame….. won’t someone please look out for the children?!?!

Back to Camp

I don't know why Gretchen got a button for being punctual and I didn't. I mean really. Not that I am super punctual - but she's even worse - and besides, we did everything together...if she was there, I was there. I didn't really care in the fact of getting the award - but it pissed me off if they were trying to send me some sort of subliminal signal that they didn't want me there, or other crap like that.

SO I went over to Miss Kitty, Boo and Spike who were near the jetway getting ready to herd everyone back onto the plane and told them how upset I was in a super-fake over exagerrated way so that they knew that I didn't care but was very aware of what they were trying to pull. Everyone got a good laugh and then I went to Boo (since she's the one least likely to give out any bullshit.) and in my most professional super serious manner said, "But seriously, why did that happen?" They all kind of look at each other with that 'oh crap, I think we're really going to have to tell her what's going on' look and Boo asks me to follow her.

She head off through a field and to this gazebo up on the hill - I start to follow and the ground is really mushy and my foot starts to sink in. I try to veer off closer to the sidewalk hoping the ground is more solid there, but it just keeps getting worse and pretty soon I'm knee deep in this marsh land. Boo looks down from the gazebo wondering where the heck I've gone and looks down to see me just as I sink lower and lower until I'm about to my waist and I've lost my shoe. It doesn't help of course that I have this long dress on so it's getting weighed down in all the mud and makes it harder for me to struggle.

I manage to get my elbows firmly planted and basically drag my self backwards until I can reach the sidewalk with my hands and pull myself out of the muck and mire. Disgusting!

Boo comes over and doesn't seem to even care that I just about went under in this quicksand like swampland that is apparently surrounding the camp - but she tells me that in essence the reason that Gretchen got the pin and I didn't is that at dinner the night before they didn't intend for everyone to have drinks but people kept ordering them, so they gave awards to those that didn't. Lame indeed! But I really don't care - what I'm concerned about now is that my clothes are completely covered with mud and the plane is about to leave and I don't have my suitcases - they're sitting back in the terminal still. The cab driver is pretty cool about it - he takes me back to the airport and even manages to get me in the exit door which is much closer then the entrance, but by the time I get there - the next round bags have all arrived as well and I can't find mine in the piles and piles of other bags.

I have to head out without and get back to the plane just before it was taking off. When we get back to the camp I am so in need of some serious drugs. Noland has promised to mix up some special mari-juana cocktails later for the boys and I make him promise me that I can have one too.

Now all I have to worry about is new clothes - luckily we were on a two-day shopping trip and although I'd already been to that store, I hadn't bought much cause they didn't have anything great, but I figured I could at least make due until I found my luggage. Of course as we get there, they were in the process of turning the women's department into a seasonal area and all that was left were swimsuits and plastic pools.

I'm just gonna go back to my bunk and take a nap.

Quiet...the baby is sleeping...HA!

So a woman walks into Starbucks pushing a huge baby stroller in which lies her sleeping spawn. The baristas are busy doing their jobs, grinding coffee and sweeping up, the woman asks them to please stop - her baby is sleeping. There is another customer enjoying his caffienated beverage whose jaw drops at such a request. A couple enters shortly after - the woman has received her beverage but it's not to her liking so she sends it back to the helpful baristas. Grudgingly she moves her powder blue track suit, pearls and giant stroller out of the way of the couple trying to order - missing the sandaled toes of the female by centimeters.

The woman gets her new coffee, asks the other patron to hold the door for her so she can remove herself from the building. Once the bells chimes to signal her departure the patron starts chuckling and tells the baristas they can start doing their jobs again. One barista comments that she was sad she didn't get to start the couples frappachinos before the woman left - as the frap machines are quite loud. The patron relays the beginning of the story to the couple who are equally amused and befuddled that someone would have the nerve to do such a thing.

She was so concerned about the spawn's sleeping patterns that she had to ask people to stop doing their jobs, yet not concerned enough to miss her daily latte.

Yeah.

Little cabin in the woods...

Noland’s sister has this huge house out in the woods….during the winter it’s just the family that stays there, but in the summertime the place is basically opened up into a bed and breakfast sort of joint. The basement has a bunch of rooms that are rented out, there are some little cabins on the property that are used and everyone shares common areas in the main part of the house. Except that the people that seem to be staying there right now are complete morons. Noland would like to look at them and scoff……“city folk” and their foolish ways – but I’m “city folk” and I know better.

I’d prefer to mock them for simply not being Oregonians. I’ve lived here for more than 7 years now – and they are all full-fledged adult years, so they count for more….I lived in Topeka for 10 years, but that was all before the age of 18, and in Des Moines for 9, but that includes 4 years of college – so I now consider myself an Oregonian…and we would never do what these people were doing.

One family decided that the stairs to the deck outside would be the perfect place to cook their dinner. So they’ve got a cook stove on the stairs, and piles of meat and vegetables and sauce and spices everywhere. Someone trying to go down those stairs could fall and kill themselves…..

…break the fluorescent lighting tubes that they were trying to steal…

… “rendezvous” in the playroom…

…dress up like girl scouts and chase bears…

…rummage through financial records in the basement…

…skinny dip in the communal hot tub…

…sheesh people…

Dog Piss and Horse Shit

So the housewarming/seafood fest was a success. All our friends who didn't already have a written excuse from their parents were in attendence....there were large amounts of scrumptious food, we have cases upon cases of empty beer bottles and half the liquor we did when the evening began, the firepit didn't burn down the house.....oh yeah, and you people got my dogs so worked up that one of them decided to piss in the house that night. As it was a beautiful warm day we took 'em to the park the next day and we still had a repeat performance the next evening. Dumb animals.

With Noland down in Cali again this week, it was my turn to take up the baton fighting Cingular. We had everyone at the house Sat. check the status of their cellphones and determined that yes indeed, everyone with Cingular/AT&T has little to no coverage. Sprint was ok, Verizon was pretty good - but I think T-Mobile was the winner.

So the next day when Noland has to call his dad back 8 times - on fathers day - to finish a 30 minute phone call we decided it was definitely time to cancel the Cingular service and pick up with T-Mobile. Problem of course is that we're in a contract - we signed this new contract after Noland's phone got stolen at Ash Street one night the 'fats were playing (and I didn't keep a close enough eye on our coats.) This occured slightly before we moved into the new house. Working on the floors and painting and such before we moved in we realized we had an issue with coverage here, but waited till we actually moved in to call them.

Of course our 30-day grace period ended on the Sat after we moved in and we didn't call until Monday - having to wait to call from a location other then our house so that the call would go through and all - so when Noland called they basically told him to bad, they don't guarantee service everywhere. We tried other options that they gave us - spent a load of cash upgrading the phones, returning them and exchanging them - we gave it a fair shake. So I call this week and get a pretty firm 'No' from three levels of "can I talk to your supervisor then."

I am now waiting for a call from 'Herbert' an 'executive manager' who will retun my call within 72 hours. I went back and tracked all of the dropped calls. The past two months it's an average of 35 per month. If their no exceptions policy on getting out of the contract without paying the $300 is indeed no exceptions - they're going to give us free text messaging since that works more consistently and they going take 1% off my bill for every call that dropped the month prior. That should at least cover the cost of having to get a land line installed.

And that's my no exceptions policy.

The Midwest - Part Zwei

A nice brunch the next morning with my mom & dad, younger brother, wife and kids – who were by weird coincidence visiting the MN based family the week prior and on their way home to Kansas – then we headed even farther north to the Land of Sky Blue Waters... Bemidji… First City on the Mississippi…. that’s where my mom grew up and my parents met when she was in high school and dad was a sophomore at Bemidji State – so my grandpa lives there as well as both sets of aunts and uncles on mom’s side of the family and three of five cousins.

I don’t think I’d been to Bemidji since I was 15 or 16. Since dad’s side all live in small towns near Minneapolis I’ve seen them more often during the years I was in DSM – it was easy to pop in and visit on my way to or from a weekend in MSPLS – but Bemidji isn’t on the way to anywhere!

Since I’d never been to Portland before I decided to move here, I flew out for a weekend to check it out about a month before I actually made the move. I was by myself in a rented Yugo and a cheap hotel (later I learned I hooker hotel) on Sandy Blvd. and after a day exploring the city I drove to the coast. I was 27 years old at the time and had never seen the ocean from US shores before. As I drove out the Sunset Highway though, it was a little reassuring that while this was the new and different place that I wanted it to be - it wasn’t completely unfamiliar either, as the Evergreens lining the highway, making the sunny afternoon a bit darker and chillier then it should be, reminded me of driving to my grandpa’s cabin on Turtle River Lake in northern Minnesota.

Every summer of my childhood, for as long as I can remember, we went to Minnesota on a family vacation. We’d first stop at the Newman side of the family just south of Minneapolis. We’d stay at grandma and grandpas a few days and all the cousins would come over. The youngest of the nine cousins was the same age as my older brother and the oldest ones I don’t remember really being around much – already in college or working. But then came the really fun part - then we’d keep going north – into the land where my brothers and I commented once - that if aliens landed they’d think that the planet was uninhabited.

We would drive and drive and never see another car let alone a city or even a farm. The roads were narrow and lined with pines and birch crowding up on either side, Once there had been a forest fire, so the trees were scarred and blackened making everything look even more desolate. But once you got far enough, you’d start to see signs of life. Small towns with roadside signs promoting local festivals and homegrown vegetables. And then you’d reach Bemidji – as we drove into town you’d see Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. Grandpa’s in town home and office weren’t far away and there was a small amusement park right across the street – but the best part of Bemidji was going to the lake.

Grandma and Grandpa had a huge log cabin right on the lake – a big picture window overlooking it all, enough bedrooms plus a guest cabin that’d we’d all go out and stay – all the cousins and aunts and uncles. Once a bat swooped down out of the rafters and landed on my mom’s head during breakfast – grandpa just grabbed the tennis racket he kept handy for such occasions and chased it down. There was a garage filled with tools and three little motorbikes that the older kids got to ride – and grandpa or an uncle would give rides to the little cousins. An orchard full of crab apples that we’d eat ourselves sick at, throw to the dogs (there were always lots of dogs) and then go down to the lake. Grandpa had a red and white motor boat that he’d always take us out in, but also a couple of canoes and other little paddle boats that we could take out ourselves – always in our lifejackets – and turn over in the middle of the lake as we then laughed and splashed out way back to shore underneath an overturned canoe.

So it was fun to take Noland there and share stories with him about those kid trips. The drive from Minneapolis wasn’t quite as barren as I remembered – with the expanding tourism of resorts and fishing weekends there were signs of civilization all along the way – we even jumped out of the car at a rest stop near Brainard, pulled out the laptop hooked into the wi-fi connection and took care of a few items that needed to be taken care of. And then there were the scary signs – alongside the resorts and farmers markets were the “Jesus hates it when you kill babies” signs. They were really prolific through one stretch of the drive. We wondered if there was a higher percentage of abortions there, or if they were just kooks….

Up in Bemidji we did the family visit – it was good and I’m glad that Noland got to meet grandpa and vice versa since sadly I’m guessing that this was the last time we’ll get to see him. Had a lot of nice long chats with my aunts and uncles and brief ones with my cousins (they all had wee ones to chase after so they never go to sit down and talk.) And I took Noland to Itasca State Park – headwaters of the Mississippi and we waded across the river – where I confessed to being rather bratty about having to hike the last time I visited the place (at about age 9) causing my uncle to thank the Lord that he had two boys - and then I serenaded Noland with bits of an Indigo Girl’s tune…

“Well the Mississippi’s mighty, it starts in Minnesota, at a place that you could walk across with five steps down. And I guess that’s how you started, like a pin prick to my heart and at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown...”

Iowa recap for posterity

So I got to take Noland on the grand tour of Iowa AND Minnesota – and I don’t care what he says – he had a good time! We kicked things off going to a Mongolian grill in a strip mall in the West DSM suburbs with Susan and a bunch of her friends to celebrate her birthday - which we timed our arrival with fabulously I might say. Then we headed a bit further in towards town to hang out on the patio of one of our old haunts and have some drinks – however about 10 minutes after we arrived the skies opened up and we were forced inside. But with $2.75 Long Islands as the nightly special – that was alright with us – and the evening was a great festivity of chatting with Susan, my friend Debbie and others…especially when I get to tell Susan’s new “only know her as the proper Principal middle-manager type” friends about her sordid past…heh heh heh……the best was after we relayed some (quite hilarious I’m sure) story to them, each of us bouncing back and forth with the lines filling in details – that this young girl turns and looks at us both and says we have the same sense of humor, with a bit awe that there could be some one else with as weird of a sense of humor as Susan – I was flattered.

The next day it was the grand tour of Des Moines, from the Drake Diner to the campus itself
and then of course the tour of all of my old apartments – the one nestled cozily in between a McDonalds, a Pizza Hut and a KFC, the house where our creepy landlord who lived in the house next door had his own “wink wink nudge nudge” special greenhouse in the back, the apartment where the bum slept in the hallway until he was found dead in a lawn chair by the swimming pool, the “Melrose Place” apartments as my friend Dan used to like to call them and of course the Yocum – where Susan was across the hall, Myriam was my roommate – and probably the best few years in Des Moines were spent….sans chasing bats out of Susan’s place and crazy Carl the handyman who stole our booze. And who says nothing exciting happens in Dead Moines?

Downtown Des Moines, including feeling up the statue that’s anatomically correct under his armor,

the insurance building that looks like an Absolut ad, and all the rest followed…finally ending up at a new dive in town called High Life that lives next door to the old Hairy Mary’s – which has relocated and gone way downhill from what I hear, but in it’s day was a great punk rock club - Noland enjoyed such fine creative drinks as a Tangermeister – yes that would be Tang and Jaeger, while Susan and I stuck to PBR while we chatted with my old friend and nemesis Bob ‘the Moron’ Moural. The journey continued through several more old favorites from when I lived in Des Moines. I think Noland was most impressed with the Des Moines Yacht Club - oh yes, even DSM has a Yacht Club. But don't start worrying that we went all fancy on ya...the fine establishment has not a blue blazer or spec of water anywhere in sight... And we got to see more old friends, become I believe among the first to learn that Chad and Laurie and expecting, and have an all around good time out.

Then it was north-bound to the far out Minneapolis suburbs for the wedding – or reception actually – of Dan and Nicole. It was great to be able to be there for them – Dan has always been a good friend and has always been there for me – and to get to see Bob again after his retreat from Seattle back to the Midwest – he seems to be doing really well and glad he made the move. We hung out for quite a while, but after a dozen or so pints of bad beer and politely biting our tongues (REALLY HARD) at comments made by Dan’s friends at our table such as “it’s not really fair to ask the wealthy to pay more in taxes…. they do so much already” and “ It’s obvious that Fox is the only channel where they aren’t attacking the white Christian family all the time, NBC, ABC, and even CNN and NPR are so obviously biased.” We had to call it night and head back to our lovely Jacuzzi suite......